so I am pulling hoses around the back of the house, and my heart beats faster and faster and so does my breathing, and I can’t breathe, and I’m getting dizzy. I’m in bad shape,I’m old, and I don’t get enough exercise. And I also have a heart murmur. So this is a bad sign. Not being able to breathe getting dizzy having your heart pump too fast.
when I tell Carolyn later, she says “you have to start getting some exercise, or you’ll be face down and I’ll be going to your funeral.” It’s true, and that’s how all my relatives die; bad hearts right around this age. My sister was very very overweight, and she finally had a stroke (even though she’s alive, she had just about the best medical care of the world.
My dad had numerous times when his heart stopped, and they had to call 911 to get it started, when he was out gardening around this age. He finally died from a stroke or heart attack. Both my grandfathers died right when I was born, from heart attacks. Boy, if there is anything I am set up for, right now, it’s a nice big fat heart attack or a stroke!. Look at my great ancestry and all my stupid symptoms, and my extreme lack of exercise. Wonderful.
and look at my wonderful attitude towards life; you’re right, it’s pretty shitty. I suppose that if you had a pretty good life, your attitude is better. But I don’t know which came first; I didn’t expect it to be bad. but then again, I didn’t expect to have a horrible family life originally, to set that up also. That was pretty much a lot of the nonfunctioning, clinical depression, inability to have a good time that I had, and it wasn’t my fault.
I certainly inherited a lot of this bad stuff from the beginning, from my family. So I would have to say the notion that “the sins of the fathers are inherited by the children” tends to be true. From the beginning, you are hit with it. And it has a lot to do with how well you do in life right from the beginning.
all my life, I’ve tried to “get better from all the depression, and all the abuse, and keep hoping that I somehow get healed up enough, somewhat towards the end.” And now I realize, that’s never going to happen. Life doesn’t wait for you to get better, it just suckers you in. It doesn’t matter how hard you try, how much work you do, you’re never going to have enough time before you get clobbered at the end.
I wish I could say that if you’re extra intelligent, and very talented, it’ll be different. Nope. Already had all that, it didn’t make a shit of difference.it’s not that I made all the wrong choices. Which I did anyway, I keep thinking I should’ve gone into business, and got the business degree just to make money.
But, as it was, everybody lies to you about how your hopes and dreams and ambitions will be met, and that’s all it is, lies.nobody ever warns you quite HOW BAD it will be. If you knew that, you probably would get out ahead of time. And nobody tells you all the extreme failures that everybody goes through.and nobody tells you that clinical depression and PTSD, don’t get well, even at the end.
so why is that? WHY did nobody tell you the truth about the way the world really is? The reason for that is, everybody lies about the way it is every single day, and the way things really go, and they’re going to lie about it all through the future.
because, my dear, all of society and all mankind hate the truth.so what they do is they lie about the way the world really is every single day of the week.
so let this be a present to all of you young people who were graduating from something, to go either into college or out into the world or what ever. You’ve probably already been lied to so many fucking time, that you don’t know what the real truth about everything is anymore.!
so let’s go down a short list, and find out a few things that are true. For one thing, it is really a very hard world. For everybody. Maybe you’re out of it if you’re super rich, maybe a little.or maybe a lot! So that’s another truism.
you can’t do anything without money and support. You just cannot.maybe a long time ago in the United States it was possible to start with almost nothing, but it’s just about impossible now. You could be extremely unscrupulous, to the point of being a professional assassin.(see above: “without money and support you can’t do anything”.)often, to be successful, people have had to be extremely unscrupulous, even ruthless. So don’t count that out.(SEE: Madonna)
here’s another one; if your family is extremely bad, abusive, or even outright crazy and insane, it’ll be so hard for you to manage in the world, that you may as well know it now. How you begin in life is very important.
here is another one; no matter how you plan in the beginning, how everything is going to go, life is going to screw with it anyway.you don’t have all the control over the world. You don’t have hardly any control.people try to lie to you about how much control you have over life, but let me tell you, I planned. A lot of people I know planned. I can tell you it doesn’t always work.
at the end of your life, you’ll look back, and decide that you made all the wrong decisions – – maybe.I know I did; I was sure I was going to succeed, cause I was so intelligent,did so well in school, and was so talented. I should have taken Business Administration instead. but hey, that’s still no guarantee. look at the god dam business world! (SEE: “might have to be ruthless.”)
what things did I do right that were in my control? I didn’t have any kids. It turned out all for the best.some people are not meant to have kids. I also didn’t get married to any of the people I was engaged to. I was correct, they would have been disasters.I left Oregon, to go work somewhere else for many years. Good thing I did it. I’m not sorry.
what are some of the mistakes I made? Some of those are above. Maybe I struggled too hard, it wasn’t like I had a choice. (SEE: “not having too much choice”) when I was young I probably counted on romance and romantic love too much. In the end it didn’t matter. It wasn’t one of the important things in life.
also, during my whole lifetime, I explored religions, and tried to figure out all the big questions in life, including what are we here for? That was a large mistake. It doesn’t matter why we’re here.it doesn’t matter what God really is or what the secret of life is. Go study some physics and quantum physics instead. It’s a lot more satisfying.
stop trying to be so personally successful.stop with the egotistical stuff.You either will or you won’t, but doing lots of huge amounts of efforts toward it, often do not pay off. And usually they are not the most important things anyway.now I consider trees a lot more important.I also consider people a lot more important, and especially friends.
stop being so hard on yourself.you are harder on yourself than anyone else is, and it often just hurts you.
learn to enjoy the nice things of life and this planet. If you like to watch cartoons, watch cartoons. If you like to watch funny stuff, watch plenty of funny stuff. if even something silly gives you enjoyment, like, for example, I like to collect EMOTICONS. Usually animated ones.I like to put them on all my e-mail and even this stupid blog. I think they’re darling! But then, I also think SpongeBob SquarePants is darling! Ha ha.
Don’t worry about the next world.of course, you will somewhat, because you don’t know about it mostly, but it is much better if you just accept life and death the way it is. In fact, ACCEPTING life and everything the way it is, and not trying to change it or fight it, is a much better way to handle life.take it from an expert, who didn’t want to accept anything the way it was, specially not myself, it is much much better if you just accept it.
stop fighting the world and people the way they are, because they’re going to stay that way. They’re not going to change because you want them to.this also includes, trying to save the world from global warming, or the next ice age whichever one it is. It’s already going full tilt, it’s not going to stop. And what you do with your personal garbage is not going to make any difference. If you want to do it go ahead but don’t expect to save the world.
if you are a woman, go ahead and swear as much as you want. Don’t let anybody stop you. Don’t let anybody tell you it’s not nice or it’s not feminine. Or, you should not express yourself in anger or frustration. You will be much worse off if you never express it!I have never had a man tell me to stop swearing or that it was bad for me to swear.since they are often the sex that is the expert at it, consider that.
do not let anyone tell you “why are you trying to learn that? Or do that? You’re not going to use it.”yes, that is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard, if you enjoy learning more impractical things you’re never going to do, so be it. Education is great.in my case, that includes a lot of Shakespeare,watching it, reading it, and studying it in classes, and I never regretted it.
–and I guess the last one is, enjoy life as much as you can. You’re not going to be here very long.so if you are trudging along, working like crazy, neglecting enjoyment, always planning for the future, or being so serious and determined you never think about enjoying life, you better do it NOW. Have the ice cream. Have the chocolate! Start while you’re young.
AND if you never appreciated at least SOME of life, or were grateful for the few nice things, do it now.It helps the pain later on.I have become aware that at least SOME HAPPINESS, if even very little, is a choice you make.You can choose to have at least SOME JOY.–it doesn’t mean you will be happy all the time, or your life will change. BUT you can choose to have some.
I refuse to lie to anyone young; getting old is HELL. “60 is not the new 30.” that is BS. All it is, is falling apart, gradually, and hurting worse physically. If you were very active, your body won’t do it anymore, often.Sometimes even mentally and emotionally it hurts. I’m not exaggerating and I refuse to lie. Science can do only so much, and our insurance will pay for a lot less.—which is why I have to do as much, medically, for my heart now, BEFORE I have the heart attack.
And the even worse part about old age, is all your friends die, and YOUR ERA DIES.Those 60’s and 70’s are gone, when you were young, and nothing good like that music, hair, fashion, art, and attitude will ever come again. We who lived during those times, consider ourselves very lucky to have had them.
OK, THE WAR WAS BAD; THE POLITICS WAS BAD. you can’t have everything. Hey, the Beatles and all that great music will never come again!! A lot of we women, girls, didn’t appreciate all the “sexual revolution,” and the pressure to have sex so casually. But women’s Lib did a lot for we women’s escape from “living only for other people, and not for ourselves.” I still thank God for it.
And I am not trying to tell others what to do, I just want to help. Please don’t take it as preaching. Its up to you. Take good care of yourself physically, while you’re still young, it makes a difference when you get old and cruddy. I did do that. I miss my bicycle a lot.
(Sandraminadotty, old and hurting elbows and back, crap!!! and how everything is MADE LIKE JUNK!! HAH HAH!! 🙂