(CALIGRAPHY BY OREGON LOVER OF “SVENGOOLIE TV SAT. HORROR SHOW”)
“HELP, HELP,”Caroline was yelling, knocking on my door,one day.I let her in, right away;”What’s the matter? How did you get blood on yer clothing?”I was horrified.
“HELP, CALL 911!” She grabbed my land-line phone, and started dialing. She got the dispatch, and yelled,” yes, back of River Rd., way past Irving–no, the other direction from Belt Line!!”– and she gave the exact address of my neighbor who used the chain saw all the time.He was very loud.
“Did he chop himsaelf up with that chain saw?” I asked, afraid.”You know, our old dentist here, when I was a kid,tried using a chain saw,and put himself out of business”.
You need a hand to yank out wisdom teeth–especially mine.the roots go right into my sinueses.
“NO,” she said, rummaging thru my bathroom, for medical supplies.”Caroline, putting a SpongeBobSquarePants band-aid on that wound, ain’t gonna do it? how bout duct tape?”I replied.
.”Do you have anything we can use,like a rope,to drag him out?” she asked, fast.”Why do you want a ROPE to fix a chain-saw hurt? CAROLINE!!!!!”.She kept throwing all my medical supplies out of the cabinets; a female-douching-instrument flew past my ear; she looked at me.”NO,” I replied,”It doesn’t even belong to me, my mom left stuff when she died.The burglars didn’t get a few old things, they missed that.Remember?”
“NO,” shouted Caroline,”The California guy, way in back of you, over towards Ferndale, he got stuck in his wood-chipper!!”
“YOU gotta be kidding!! Those California people, who dug their own out-house, way back on their place, cause it’s more “ORGANIC”? I wondered why any one would want to save him.There were tons of CalifornIcators, who in Oregon would miss ONE??
we got in Caroline’s car, and sped past Ferndale, and tried to get to River Loop 2 by way of the Freeway, and found ourselves stuck on the over-pass, in rush hour traffic; LA, of the Pacific.
Talk about TRAFFIC. While we were lodged behind a fat Suburu,(which I am sure means,”love,” some how,according to dealers,)I asked Caroline,”Isn’t this an awful way to get 2 blocks down? Why didn’t we just WALK??” “No,”replied Caroline,”People bike here,but walking? when you can burn gas?? are you kidding, oil just went down 500 points!!!”spouted she, thumbing thru her wall st. journal.
That, and if you walk along River Road, for 2 blocks or more, you get chronic asthma.( Truth, doctors researched it!!)
,About an hour later, we got to our Californicator-neighbors place, and Caroline took the thin twine, only rope she could find,and rustled me into his back yard—“Watch out for the dogs!!!”–his 2 guard dogs barked,and tried to nail my ankle.–Fortunately, I had my cane,and swatted the lead pitt-bull right in the eye; they hate that. They can’t stand any resistance.
I prefer cats for a good reason.
“OK.”I muttered, annoyed.”Where’s that dumb Matt?” “Back here–“called Caroline,and I barely missed the dark opening of an immense hole–“Hey,I thought his out-house was covered!!!??” I shouted..”Matt doesn’t know very much about building out-houses,yet,” said Caroline,”He thought an out-house was just a HOLE–they don’t even know what outdoor plumbing is!!” “So much for people who have never been poor,”I snickered. “He missed an experience rivaling the Deep South.”
The roto-rooter guy had told me,months ago,that several people around my neighborhood, were building and using out-houses now, to avoid the County”sewer-tax”–having to pay taxes on our sewers hookups.Unavoidable taxes appeared every where in Lane County, and all over Oregon, all the invading Californians LIKED TAXES. (???)
NOT having gotten enough taxes from paying to the fed. govt. they took over the Oregon Legislature, and became a one-party state, AND a one party-legislature too.ANY OPPOSITION to Democrats in Oregon,since California-vading , was MASHED.
there was only ONE POLITICAL PARTY IN OREGON; DEMOCRATS AND THE MORE LIBERAL DEMOCRATS. And, what they did to Cali, they were now doing to Oregon. We were supposed to be grateful to them.
Oregon does not observe the Constitution any more; DEMOCRATS are our leaders–our only leaders. We were soon to have a minimum-wage-raise, AND I knew local businesses I knew, would FIRE some workers to make up for the cost.
Matt was still screaming,and his wife was still trying to pull the old guy out of the wood-chipper;”I can’t get the OFF SWITCH to work!!”she cried. “Caroline valiantly tied the thick twine to Matt, and hooked it to to the bumper of their jeep,and hopped in,to start her up. I was wary;”You’ll pull his head off!!” I shouted.”Do you KNOW how to use four-wheel drive??” “Isn’t it just like a lumber truck?” she shouted back.–“NO, it isn’t!!!” Caroline and her lumber-lore.
The medics had finally arrived,and I helped them try to turn the chipper–off.”Why don’t we stick more real wood in,”I yelled,over the noise–“If we put too much wood in,along side Matt,with him the chipper will stop because it’s over-loaded,the motor will stall!”
Sure enough, the over-gorged chipper started to stall,and finally stopped; we kept pulling what remained of Matt,out, he’d lost so much blood.The medics did their job quickly,even asked his blood type, they’re give him blood on the way to emergency ward.I at least got to watch out crack-emergency corp, wrapped up Matt, and we finally got a good look at him,as they pulled the stretcher into the van; well, most of him was still there, but his FAT kinda got pulverized, and I thought, this was a bad way to do lipo-suction surgery.
At least it was cheaper; kind of.–
Now that Matt was not gonna die,and we could talk to Matt’s wife,who was still crying, Caroline said,”Honey, how did Matt ever get hissel stuck?” “You know his arthritis is sometimes bad,” she sniffed.”And our daughters at the University of California; they get medical marajuana cards really easy there.They brought some back to Matt, and he had tried some, before he was chopping wood. It even seemed to HELP a little,so it wasn’t like it was a drug.” “Yeah,” I said,”Your doctors at Peace Health won’t prescribe it, cause they get money from the fed.govt.–not legal at the nation-level.”
Nuns hate pot, too. It’s not a Catholic-approved med. The Pope don’t like DOPE.
We went into Matt’s house,with his wife,and we noticed the over-grown blackberry bushes cringing against the sidewalks; how come they hadn’t killed them?”But.” explained Matt’s wife,” Having blackberry bushes is kind of like making Kaboucha; like having a Kaboucha-brew? Its real Oregonian. the real Natives do it; we were told, since it rained so much, we’d get nice black-berrys in summer.”
Caroline and I glanced at each other.”Uh–you’ll probably just get lots of blackberry bushes!! Who told you, it was “Ore-gon-ian“? said Caroline. “Why, I think it was the Eugene-Register guard–or the Eugene-Weekly–or maybe “Old Oregon”, or “Eugene magazine”–I can’t remember which.” “Must have been the same people that think raising chickens in their back-yard is REALLY COOL.” I said.”Raising chickens ain’t so easy. My dad used to have a little book called “Sexing chicks.” ?? I never did figure that one out.”–
And it’s REALLY NATIVE to say “Ory-Gun.” And it’s very Oregon to hate dictatorships of masses of Democrats; but eventually, since the republicans in the Legislature, were dead-locking the place,and stalling,and refusing to let the Legislature work, in rebuttal, Democrats would find out.
Sure, you can all go to Oregon, take it over, and just pretend it’s Wet-California, it’s not.It’s “Ory-Gun” still. Don’t get stuck inna wood-chipper, and expect us to pull you out of it.
(Sandraminadotty, having a nice dream, where wood-chippers and chain-saws go crazy in Elm st.!!!) 🙂 ..