[OREGON ARTIST”HALLOWEEN QUEEN”
it’s almost Halloween; it’s finally raining, and the scariest thing is, LANE COUNTY and the CITY OF EUGENE has decided to raise your property taxes again..
BOO! Trick or treat! Lane County get the treats, and we taxpayers get the TRICKS.
Carolyn has just come over, with her voters pamphlet, trying to figure out if there’s anything she should vote yes on. I am also studying mine, so we have a cup of coffee or tea, and milk, and try not to smoke with the stress, or drink alcoholic beverages, and figure just who in the Liberal Democratic Party is too much of a ghoul to vote for. “I’m not voting for Merkley,” says Carolyn, reaching for her cigarettes.
“You’re not smoking those in here! And yes, Merkley is a Turkey. Or is it “Merkley is a turkley”?either way, don’t vote for him. You’re correct,” I answered.Carolyn hummed, and anxiously taped her pen. “Can you figure out if there’s anything we should vote yes on, in all the bills and propositions?” She asked.
“Well,” I replied, tapping my own pen,” I think we should probably just vote no on everything to be safe. After all, every single one of them cost us a lot of money. – That we don’t have.and it does say in the newspaper, all the Lane County property taxes are going up, we’re going to end up paying at least $100 a year more, all of us. Maybe even more.so we are going to get hit paying a lot more taxes anyway! We don’t need to pass any of these hefty little propositions, trying to get us to get in debt for more money.”
I pondered that hefty question; “it’s not supposed to be taxable, if we pass that proposition,” I said,.” That’s what I read. This one is erroneous. And, boy, if anything needed to get taxed, it’s POT. Everybody has been making tons of money off of it, except the IRS and the taxpayers. The government has its “war on drugs”, which also turned out to be a“billion-dollar tax war on taxpayers”. So don’t you think it’s about time, we can finally get some back taxes, all of that stupid herb tea they call marijuana?.”
“yes,” said Carolyn. “And I don’t like that this one says “we will also tax MEDICAL marijuana, on this proposition.” I don’t like that at all, what if I get fibromyalgia, or PTSD, or cancer, and I need medical marijuana?” “You’re absolutely right about that,” I answered, “considering the way you smoke cigarettes, I think you need to switch over to smoke pot now. The only thing that would happen to you with too much pot would be all your breasts would get bigger.” Carolyn looked at me, oddly.”oh”, I added, “I forgot; the dentist has told me, the pot smoke will give you very bad gum disease. So I recommend that you EAT it in brownies or cookies it’s the best way anyway for a good high.particularly oatmeal cookies with raisins.”
“I am worried about one thing,” said Carolyn, looking worried; “how do I know that if marijuana is so legal, that all the kids will get it also?” “You know,” I thought seriously, out loud. “That’s really true! Now, instead of having to go to your friendly illegal drug dealer, you would have to go to your friendly legal pot store, and I bet they let kids get it too.” “You mean there wouldn’t be any difference?” Questioned Carolyn. (The Botox in her fore head wasn’t doing it any good.)”well,” I mused, “if it’s legal, I hear that it’s a lot more expensive to buy. That’s different. So maybe that would keep kids from buying it?”
Carolyn kept on thinking. “Wait, just a minute! It’s making all the pot more expensive to buy?so what’s the damn difference anyway?” “You now, I’ve been thinking about that; legalizing it makes it more expensive to buy, they want to tax it; your local drug dealer becomes unemployed also he has to go on welfare.or, he has to go back to smuggling firearms again. And, he probably has to go in more heavily for cocaine and heroin dealing.. I don’t know. What difference does it make for it to be legal? You don’t get arrested?”
Carolyn looked at me grimly as if I were an idiot, which is debatable anyhow.”in Oregon,” she said slowly, so I could comprehend her, “people very rarely get arrested anyhow!” “Yes, but if you’re dealing, or selling, or if you get caught with too much, you wind up in prison!” I replied. We looked at each other; it was an unpleasant experience. “So we’re just making it legal, so the people who have a whole lot of it, or grow it, or sell it, don’t get arrested and put in prison? And for this, we have to pay more money for our pot!”
“I guess that’s one way of looking at it,” I replied, getting upset. (I’m still trying not to drink.)“but, don’t look at it that way! Look at it as if, we are financially sponsoring all those people who have a lot of it, or grow it, and don’t want to wind up in prison.”Carolyn kept considering that. “I still don’t get it!” She replied growling. “Making it legal is supposed to make it more advantageous for US, not the people who were making all that money off of it.” “It is true, that people in Oregon particularly, are talking about what a great new business it is, and how it’s really opening up the business world.” I said, gingerly. “So, if I really wanted to take advantage of legalizing pot, I should be a businessman? And not just a smoker? Or a toker?or a drug dealer?” She kept talking. I tried to think my way out of this mess; “okay, it takes millions and millions of dollars, to put pot growers and pot dealers, and smokers, in prison. Okay? It might save on that money, on our taxes.”Carolyn finally got a hold of her brain.
“I guess it depends on which side you’re on, as to whether or not it cost you more money, or you make more money off of it.” She finally replied. “AND,” I said further, “all of this pot will be LEGALLY REGULATED, and they will package it, and sell it, and it will be a processed food item, kind of. You know? Like going to a small supermarket? Instead of buying it off the back of a truck somewhere?that will make it so much better quality, I’m sure.” Carolyn thought even more, which for her was a supreme effort;
“yeah, look how much better food is,that is regulated by the state and the County and the federal government, just the way all those huge meat factories are regulated. They do such a good job with them.” I insisted. “All that meat and all that chicken that has to go through all those meat and chicken factories, is always tremendously safe, and top-quality! That that will also happen to your pot supply! Wouldn’t that be great? I’m sure eventually big business would get a hold of it.maybe fast food restaurants would sell it too!”
when we got to the one on the ballot, that said “all airline traffic, to African countries, is now banned. All people and products from any African companies, are now banned from the United States.” I looked at it; “I don’t think that one should be on there yet?” I asked slowly. “Isn’t that jumping the gun?” “I don’t know,” replied Carolyn.”how did it get on the voters pamphlet? I don’t even remember it.”
“Is it a write – in– Bill, at the last minute of printing?” I mentioned.” Sometimes they do that.” “it said online, at one of the alternative news resources, that they’re already putting it on the ballot,” replied Carolyn. “I never heard THAT!!”I was horrified. “They got some judges in New York City, to secretly start adding it to all the November propositions all over the country. I guess it is that the New York City thing,huh? They’re freaking?maybe they should just cool it and smoke more pot.”
“Drs..”Drs. without Borders”, hospitals, healthcare workers,and the CDC, , and all health administration in the United States, and the federal government,, are found to legally be such idiots, and so inept, careless, and completely out of their minds, that the only way to regulate safely, E bola,is to completely stop all foreign airline traffic, not only to African countries, but to all foreign countries. And to stop all foreigners, including Africans and otherwise, from flying to the United States. If passed, this ban will be in immediate usage.”
Carolyn gasped, dropped her voters pamphlet, her pen,, and her bottle of vodka(Dewars)and her chaser, and looked astonished. “OHMIGOD!” She exhorted. “I can’t believe it! A bunch of New York City judges finally did something INTELLIGENT! Nobody will believe it!” “And,” I replied also, squinting at the tiny print under the bill,” they also did something fantastically conservative and right wing. Maybe they should all get an award.or be booted out of the Democratic Party, I can’t decide which.”
“it also says in the newspaper I noticed, that all those super–duper– billionaires, who made so much money off of the American public, are going to donate billions and billions of dollars, of it, to all put into Western Africa, to try and stop Ebola right at the bodily– fluids– contact, and sexual– bodily –fluids– contact, –stage, right in Africa, because Liberia and those other African countries are such nice lovely people. And I guess we in the United States are not.I kind of agree with that, —NOT.”
Carolyn was still gasping, but she picked up her ballot, and started marking; “that’s the only one on the ballot I’m going to mark YES on!” she said, happily. “Just think of all the things that could happen, if America was globally cut off from the rest of the world, by airplane!” “Yes,” I said, picking up the spark of her happiness quickly; “I am starting to think.
“Well, a lot of businesspeople would have to do their business HERE, in the United States, and tourists would have to do their vacations, HERE, instead of abroad.” “Our tourist industry and our business industry would make more money instead of foreign!” Cheered Carolyn. “what else would happen? Lots of other diseases, like TB, and Arab terrorists taking over airplanes, wouldn’t happen.” “Kind of lousy for the airline industry,” I said, “they’d have to do with zooming their little tails all over the United States, and I guess that would be boring. How many times can you go back and forth from Arizona to New York City anyhow, without getting too drunk? Or throwing up? Especially in tourist.”
while we pondered thisridiculous but fascinating and exhilarating Bill,we picked through the rest of them. “I’m not voting for any Democrats,” said Carolyn again, “just on general principle.” “Fine with me”, I said, “it’s kind of like voting on keeping in King Louis of France, in the federal government; More Democrats, more taxes, E-Bama; ” “is that what they’re calling it now? “E-Bama”?it does sound kind of catchy.”
“Unfortunately, too catchy. You look feverish, Carolyn. Are you sweating?” I asked, worridley. “have you been traveling to west Africa lately?” “No,” said Carolyn, looking a little sick.” But in Eugene Oregon, I think one of our sister cities is Nigeria, isn’t it? Don’t they get Africans here all the time, from Africa, like African students, African health workers, and all those wonderful “Drs. without Borders- who- go -everywhere- and -catch- everything”?” “it is a problem,” I said succumbing to the bottle of (Dewars) with the mixer. Just too stressful!
“I can’t make head or tail,” remarked Carolyn again, with another vodka bottle(Grey Goose Orange, this time),” that the one where, illegal immigrants, would get special licenses, to drive legally in the United States, without paying any money, and without getting a real license, I just don’t dig it!.” “gosh,” I remarked, sleepily, “I sure could use a drivers license like that! And all you need, is to be an illegal-alien! Not an American citizen! Where do I sign up?”
“says here, in the fine print, for the sponsors of the bill, “that illegal aliens who get all this wonderful nondrivers license, will also get served in advance at all DMV offices. And they will also get free turkeys, on Christmas and Thanksgiving, and get advance appropriation of all food banks. – And any civil service jobs, up, they get all them first.”
“that is absolutely splendiferous,” I gasped now, trying to get the bowl of lemons.”how do we get all of that?Just renounce our American citizenship, while still living here illegally?study Spanish, and go live among them for a while? Get one of those fake, ill legal birth certificates? Or do we just have to show the one, (fake) that shows that we are citizens of Mexico?I’ve heard that really works in foodstamp offices in California!”(Certified and true fact.)
it would be kind of like living off the fat of the land, without having to shell out for the meat.and, the butcher shop could not charge you for it!some other poor American shnook, would finally have to pay for US,and all those many,hard years of income tax would just fall away like yesterday’s hang-over. Those honest, law-biding, hard-working, STUPID DOLTS ( I mean,that is,some square-middle-class-or-working-class-innocents who still believe in obeying the rules,) could get finally broke – – instead of us. Just like the super rich, and just like the super illegal, we would not get hit over the head with federal, state, and local taxes, we couldn’t pay.
Carolyn and I,finally finished off those left over opened, bottles of vodka, and mixer,and decided to get fake passports, fake IDs, fake certificates that say,you came from Mexico City, and fake birth certificates, that say you were born in Xochimilco.( ??I think I gotta get my Española espellinga under control.)
We were going to turn in our voters’ pamphletsall right, as a last duty, to our extinguished citizenship.and next? “We need to find some really good drugstores, that have those very nice, Dr. approved “self tanner, lotion – and spray” tanning solutions. “You think I’ll look good as a brunette?” Said Carolyn, who’s a spiffy blonde. “Don’t lose any weight, you look very good,” I replied. “And keep on smoking those cigarettes, especially Marlboros. But you have to switch over to CERVEZA. “ “At least that’s an advantage over that expensive CRAFT BEER!” Said Carolyn, getting her coat, and looking for her zapatos. “Do you suppose I could go to Portland, to hang out, and get into that drug dealing scene?” “What ever way now, if they legalize it, you might be out of a job, Merde!!so maybe you’d just better start voting Democrat, after this particular November ballot.—play up to the hipsters, liberals, who LOVE EVERYONE , except Americans.”Carolyn nodded her head, gracefully,and said “I can do that. I hate myself regularly anyway. By the way,do you know how to make a really good margarita?”
(oh, and aren’t those little“anti-GMO'”s-sunflower-seeds-voter-organic-millions-dollar-campaigners-out-of-state-legislators-regulators” just TOO CUTE for words?? I’ve always wanted to use flour and grain with plenty of grasshoppers and WEAVILS IN IT!! HEY, they’re organic!! I never turn down an excuse to eat beetles in my corn,and chomp down on fat tomato-worms, when i get a chance!!--especially in rye bread!! crap on people who don’t like the taste of our insect bros and sistahs!! It’s just “foreign cuisine”!!and you know that Eugene is such a sophisticated and progressive, foodie, community!