(CHILD ARTIST’S PAINTING FROM NORTH EUGENE HIGH)
Once again, the neighborhood church called in several of us volunteers. “We have an old lady stuck in her house, and her home care worker is sick for over a week.” They said on the phone. “She is covered by senior and disabled, but somehow we can’t get a hold of them. (??)” So I guess they were calling in the volunteers again. I called up Georgia, and we assembled our bunch of cleaning materials, brooms, dust pans, detergent, bleach, and mops.and we wore old clothes.
Georgia held her nose, and tried not to look absolutely disgusted at the smell. “It’s not so bad,” I tried to stick Vicks vapor rub under my nose, which was an old FBI trick. “At least she’s still alive, and she looks free of leprosy, or flesh eating virus.” “But this apartment has everything else!” whispered Georgia, coming down the hallway full of dust and dirt, and one or two cat poops.The cat poops were well dried up,from the looks. “AHA!”I speculated, trying to find the cat.”that means that, since they are not fresh, this non-cleaning has been going on for some time.”(Why do all old ladies have cats instead of dogs? Maybe because dogs require long walks, and old ladies don’t?)Georgia gave a loud squeal, trying to dodge a very large black spider that came scurrying out of the small kitchen.
Why don’t old ladies adopt very large black spiders instead? they’re cheaper to feed, and just as cuddly and fuzzy.there sure are plenty of them around in Oregon. Of course, there were also plenty of cats at Greenhill cat shelter, but people were responsible for breeding all of them; and the spiders weren’t as smart as people. At least I don’t think so. That means, the people can control their breeding of unwanted cats, and junking them all at Greenhill, and they should be more responsible than big- mother black spiders.
Once again, it doesn’t work out that way.people prove themselves to be LESS responsible than large black spiders, because the spiders eat all the nasty insects up. I can’t say the same for people in Eugene. I think they still get plenty of food stamps.and since the whole planet will eventually have TOO many people, they’ll all starve to death and end up eating each other, (“soylent green! Soylent green is PEOPLE!!! AUGHHHH! “)
that was a really really good movie. Charlton Heston was so convincing.THIN.
but back to semi-reality; “I found the old lady in the bed room!” Called out Georgia, sounding relieved. “There are lots of empty cardboard boxes from pizzas, but no flesh eating viruses this time!” I hesitated, from fear. “How does the bedroom itself look?” I hazarded. “It’s okay, I think we can get all the trash and dust,mold, dead mice, dirt out of it,in maybe about two hours. Considering if we have to go buy more bleach”. That was always a possibility in these cases. But now I was wondering where the CAT was, and hoping we didn’t have another “Corpus De-Cat-eye”.Cat fur was hard to scrape off surfaces, if it was dried up.And hopefully this time, cause of the pizza, the old lady didn’t eat the CAT.
(What was the REAL TRUTH about “Big Edie” and “Little Edie,”those relatives of Jackie Kennedy? Was there an ulterior reason they kept so many cats in their rotten manse? And WHO ate most of the cat food, cats or the women?) UGH.
“Honey,” Georgia was gently questioning our patient;”Doesn’t Senior & Disabled call you up, every month, to ask if you’re ok?I know they do that now.” “Yes, but my home-care worker gets angry if I tell them she’s not cleaning,” whispered our wrinkled friend,”So I’m afraid to tell them that.My home-care worker has a KEY to get in!She usually gets all my food shopping for me; she does (some) laundry.If I tell them she won’t clean…she’ll get angry and quit!!”
“But you could always hire another one?”said Georgia to our patient; “NOOO, THIS IS THE ONLY ONE WHO DOESN’T STEAL!! ” shrieked the old lady.”She’s the best one I’ve had for years!!All the rest of them stole stuff!! This one only takes lots of days off, never dusts or vacums, throws the spoons in the trash,hides everything so I never find it again,, and goes on vacation a lot!!She’s GREAT!! Besides, she has 3 or 4 other clients, and works 7 days a week!( She says.) She’s a SAINT. I can’t replace her!!” Georgia stopped insisting, and we headed for the bathroom, using more Vicks-Vapo-Rub.”I hope that was the only spider, sighed Georgia, coughing in the dust;”Put on your pollen-mask,” I reminded her: “You don’t want sinusitus again.”
Eventually, after more hours than I wanted to count, the small apartment was (semi) clean, and we had finally found the cat; I had never seen a cat chew thru a bag of oatmeal, and eat it before; especially without milk. “Wow,” remarked Georgia, trying to wash the dried oats out of the fur with a damp rag, while I held all the wiggling claws from killing her.”It doesn’t LOOK like it has malnutrition.” “Oatmeal is good for you,” I sighed, “Probably this cat now has much lower blood pressure as a result.”
Do cats get high blood pressure? Only if they don’t sign up for their Obamacare.—and pay several thousand bucks before they are allowed to use it. This cat didn’t look that RICH. People (and cats) who got Obama(cat) were mostly the middle-class who got their REGULAR insurance cancelled,, and were forced onto Obuma-care. What plan would the CATS have to be enrolled under? It had to be appropriately “Michelle-o-care”. ME-OW!
As our last task,we both sat down to a moldy beer (hey, her fridge wasn’t clean either!),and went thru the un-paid piles of old-lady’s bills, & looked to see if any utility was going to soon get turned off.I was trying to sneak a peak at the tv news,along with the “Covet-Oregon”-brand-beer,(which was a house-brand of Salem gas stations,) and puzzled that the cable-box wasn’t working.”But the BILLS said that, even though we saw the electricity bill(for the cable-tv) charged far less amt. of months.”
WHATT??”–the Comcast cable tv box and basic cable –in other words, Comcast was CHARGING FOR CABLE, when the electricity to the tv and box, was ALL OFF!!NO, Comcast was charging her, for months there was NO ELECTRICITY!!–and no tv or cable box even EXISTED on the electrical!!(I called up EWEB,trust me, they know;) as much as they over-charge, Comcast was over-charging EVEN MORE. “i didn’t know you could find this out,”murrmered Georgia, tired, sipping the lousy beer. (EWW! if it had no alcohol, it would be dirty vinegar.)
“Yes, if you bribe someone,” I returned, trying to call up Comcast.They tried to get a supervisor, and disconnected me twice.”Maybe I should take that feed-back survey,”I sighed, trying to get a “human being” 3 more times before I gave up.(“FUCK YOU, you are a dumb robot!! And not one of Asimov’s!!”) “Say, didn’t someone walk on the moon?” I asked Georgia. “No, you blogged about that before cause yer ENT still can’t figure out how to get rid of ear-wax. ” “Oh, yeah, well, we have split the atom? We fooled with that Boson-thingie? We even are pulling apart the very structure of matter? So this minor stuff goes lagging?!!
Georgia, who was woozy on the crappy beer, looked at me.”And homo sapiens is still nothing more than a big ape with a big brain, playing on computers.We are STILL animals!! ” she said;”Animals with opposing thumbs who become dentists!!We still have an appendix, and wisdom-teeth.!! We give our wives breast cancer because we love our gas-spewing cars so much!! We are BABIES!! STUPID , CORRUPT BABIES, at that. We still refuse to elect a woman president because she has breasts instead of a WANG!–LOOK at who we elected instead; a black Muslim thug from Chicago, who’s gay!!OK, OK, bi-sexual!! Whatever!! Gays get elected before women do!! WHY? Because they’re male gays!!”
“I don’t want to get into that again,” I said,”Hilary probably killed–?? someone, and she hates men!!” “No, just her fat ape-husband.” returned Georgia, waving the cheap beer can at my nose.”Don’t you?” “Yeah, I’d be a minority if I didn’t. Maybe our patient should get satellite tv.” We were both silent. “It’s time for us to go home,” I finally said, “And get drunk on something that tastes decent.” “Then you need to drink CALIFORNIA wine, not Oregon!!” We laughed hysterically; cause we could. Women can do anything. Even come up with better beer.
“Can we still listen to the live show on the car radio?” asked Georgia, fiddling w/the radio while we pulled out of that driveway.”KSLZ?KZSL? Whatever. All-Comedy Brick-House Radio 1450 AM?? That one in Eugene?” “Yeah, if it’s not a re-run again, ” I snickered, “Cause they’re out getting plastered again at Maru restaurant (what the fuck is an “Asian tappa?” Its dim-sum, dummies!! A tappa is from SPAIN!!”) Yeah, dim-sum really sounds good right now.” “Sandramina, ” sighed Georgia, “You’re not in San Francisco any more. This is EUGENE!!” “Aww, heck,” I sighed sourly, “No vegie-cuisine, organic junk, or raw food this time!! I had to puke all night long!!” “Vegetables get tainted with E-coli, too.” she replied. “Then it’s Chinese food–” “Yeah, they cook it, uh–? You name the place. ” “I already pushed one restaurant commercial, ” I whined. “And I’m not pushing more right now, that fucking Salem beer is gonna make me hurl!!”.
( Sandramina, signing off, cause my typing digit is too sore, and I’m longing for ginger-beef over white rice, in– ?? maybe Eugene Oregon? Only if I cook it myself, Eugenians!! We lack REAL ethnicicity, in Eugene, Oregon. Along with everything else ( but we got all of gay S. F.; let’s trade em for Chinese!! Ah-so!!” (Gung-Hai-Fat-Choy! no matter what time of year.) 🙂