I didn’t truly understand the whole Willamettte Valley debacle, until Carolyn and I went out to one of the farms, out of Eugene out of the city, way to Junction city and beyond. It was time to eat the vegetables that the smaller local farmers were growing.
That was good enough excuse, we took off, heading for pumpkins, apples, winter squash, in hopes that all our bad weather hadn’t hurt harvesting.the wide open fields met our eyes, and soon we ran into one of the little farms
Carolyn was trying to tell me, and explain that I had gotten the local problem of “DNA modified foods” and local organic farms and farmers, all wrong.
She said that” the big companies here, like Monsanto that had big vegetable farms, got pissed off when a bumblebee or a lot of wind cross pollinated their tomatoes, onto the organic farmers produce.
and then the Monsanto big company SUED THE SMALL FARMERS, because – –get this! – Because they had taken the DNA from their DNA modified produce, and given it to the ORGANIC FARMERS PRODUCE!
they were suing the small farmers, when it was the bumblebees or the wind that had taken the DNA modified pollen, and given it to the small organic farmer!.WHAT TRASH!
Monsanto farms went all the way to the Supreme Court, blaming the organic farms for STEALING their POLLEN and their DNA MODIFIED PRODUCE!.
“I don’t get it, does that mean that it’s YOUR FAULT, if the wind or bumblebees take your neighbors pollen, and put it on your crops! Are we supposed to SUE THE BUMBLEBEES INSTEAD? Go over to their little homes, shoo them out, and stuff them into court, and sue the little pollen right out of them! “Buzz buzz buzz!
“I just don’t believe that those big farms, are trying to SUE MOTHER NATURE, and THE WIND, and fuzzy little fat BUMBLEBEES, for stealing their stupid DNA modified pollen! Just because they live next door!”
I continued ranting and raving “this is so ridiculous it should be on TV as a sitcom!”they should make a Adam Sandler movie out of it, it stinks that bad!”
meantime, Carolyn and I were trying to pick out winter squash, noting that everything was incredibly expensive.
That’s because it’s actual GOOD FOOD, and not a dollar hamburger! Pity the poor idiot who tries to go on a diet in Oregon!so how much extra did all the other ORGANIC FARMS price their food? Did it cost even more?
“I still don’t understand”, I said pinching a cauliflower, or maybe it was a “combined – cauliflower/broccoli”; it was definitely lovely. Who would want to even eat something so beautiful? I would probably just put it on a pedestal and look at it.
“what don’t you understand?” said Caroline, trying to fill her bag up. “The law goes now, if your next-door neighbors pollen gets carried over to you by bees or the wind and you pick up their wonderful expensive DNA modified crop, then IT’S YOUR FAULT!”
I was absolutely flabbergasted. Of course Oregon in Eugene did that to me regularly, but this was overly OVERLY RIDICULOUS!so if you live next to a big farm, they can sue you because their DNA pollen drifted over to your place; you were STEALING THEIR PATENTED DNA products!
“I think probably those apples are the best,” I said, as we were heading for the check stand; “you know, that sets a horrible precedent. Can’t you imagine it? If you apply that law, that somebody’s stuff drifts over to you, by way of mother nature, then you can get sued because YOUR STEALING IT?!”
we headed for the car, and it was a nice day, surprisingly the sun was out, but I was really pissed off as hell. Really really really!REALLY. I continued babbling on, as we started to drive off; “so if you’re wearing perfume, and some of it drifts over to a guy near you, you can sue him for stealing your scent?”
Ha ha ha ha ha ha it ain’t funny anymore.this was a whole new ballgame, with lots of dirty rules.”let’s see, if I’m in California with some of my sunshine, and some of it starts to shine on Oregon, California would be able to sue Oregon for taking it’s sunshine ill legally!
“That would affect a lot of grape and wine growers. They’d all get drunk trying to figure it out.” I continued fascinated with this twisted and bizarre feat of fascism.
“you can’t grow your own crops out in the open, in the open air, because you could get SUED for picking up your next door neighbors’ POLLEN! Aargh!” here come the greenhouses, no more growing your organic stuff openly,,
“you have to protect yourself FROM your neighbors produce!– – and it would be your fault because his stuff didn’t stay in his garden!”
Carolyn looked at me shaking her head; “come on, you know this is out right corruption and jerk offs wielding their power.they got the Supreme Court wrapped around their little DNA modified finger!
“If this is really true, it’s back to medieval times, when the serfs could be blamed for all the problems of the royalty!if something went wrong, the royalty could always BLAME all the SERFS, AND get them for WITCHCRAFT, WIZARDRY, and various and sundry little old ladies who babbled and mumbled and told your fortune!”
I nodded sadly. Yes, it was back to those damn wicked witches in Salem, who caused everybody else’s problems!
“speaking of Salem, do we have a dirty nasty little legislature, in Oregon, that lets them get away with this? Just how fabricated and bribed is our cute little Oregon Legislature, doing this? You know they’re not doing it for free!” said Carolyn very grumpily, as she drove faster.
“I think we better forget about our legislature trying to serve or help the people who pay all their taxes.” I said examining my apples in the paper bag.”now I have to be careful, if I breathe on someone accidentally, when I have the flu, and they get it, that means it’s their fault they picked up my bacteria and germs! I could sue them for catching my virus!”
(Should I start practicing my comedy monologue now, and go on the road? It was getting that ludicrous.)
we made a big salad, when we got back to my house, and I looked at the apples and the lettuce, and some of the cabbage, trying to detect nasty spy -wind- whipped DNA, muddeling into my food.but I was coming up with an answer and an idea:
I put my idea into action, and I went to a local farmer’s community meeting, and told them all just what they could do to avoid getting sued for picking up somebody else’s pollen.”forget about being completely pure inorganic, that day is over;” I said to everyone, ” think of it as a very big POTLUCK, and you’re going to mess with the very molecular level of produce itself – – just to save yourselves legally.”
“what are you saying?” Exclaimed some of the farmers, confused and angry;”do you mean that none of our produce is going to be strictly ORGANIC? We can’t do that! And we can’t sue the big farms, for infecting all our organic food with their junk DNA!”
I answered, reluctantly, “yes, I think you’re going to have to sell your food on the open market now, not as organic . Not if you’re next-door to an ass hole!but when we’re done with our meddling at the molecular level with food, they’re not going to be able to sue you!”
Since I have had some experience with gardening and farming, with my own family,I did have to polish up my skills when we tried to figure out how we would alter the next harvest. That was long ago, when my family farmed here.
but next spring, when everything started to bloom and come out, and some of the fruit and produce, from all the little farms, was starting to show its little buds and poke its faces out of the dirt, we were ready for it.
Some of the farmers had taken agriculture college, and advanced physics, messed with DNA studies,and it started to show.(we also hired some people from MIT, to give us a heads up.)
Once again, Monsanto tried to get a hold of the little farmers produce, to prove that Monsanto’s pollen had drifted over to them, and they were thieves again. Just to get them in court and sue them for nastiness! But it didn’t work out that way.
the new produce tested STRANGE and UNUSUAL, because we had messed with all of the DNA, and imported in teeny tiny amounts, other micro-DNA, and our best farmers had actually invented new combinations!
There was no way you could track Monsanto produce DNA, they had been MUTATED with small amounts of RADIOACTIVE ISOTOPE, and anything that had ever been a Monsanto DNA, was completely DESTROYED..of course, all the produce was not “natural”, but it was even better, when we advertised that this was the PRODUCE OF THE FUTURE! Science fiction mutation! Really really EXCITING vegetables!.
anything that had ever been a Monsanto big farm tomato, was now mutated, twisted and perverted into a purple-half-tomato, half CUCUMBER!
Of course it was strange and unusual, but hell, this was Eugene that was right on track! They hell with natural, since when has Eugene Oregon ever been NATURAL, and not WEIRD!?
Carolyn was very impressed, when many of the small farmers had their celebratory dinner together, and I had the responsibility correcting some of the dishes; you couldn’t use the same recipes exactly anymore.
“isn’t that tofu?” Said Carolyn, looking at a very delicious pot of stuff. “No, that’s the okra, garlic, purple carrots, and mashed up green sweet potatoes.” She tasted some of it. “Say, that’s not too bad! If I close my eyes and don’t look while I eat it’ll be fine.”
“how do you like the delicious new flavors? How do you like the fact that when the Monsanto pollen floats over to the small farms, they take it and mutate the hell out of it so it’s unrecognizable?! Okay, it’s not “organic” anymore, but they’re selling the stuff like crazy to SCIENCE FICTION fans, Star Trek enthusiasts, and very curious agriculturists who just want to figure it out.”
“and you for sure can’t find any Monsanto farm modified DNA in any of their stuff? I mean, their produce?are you sure this stuff is safe to eat?” Said Carolyn, who was picking up a dish and several utensils as she talked.
“Not only is it good ad good for you to taste good, it’s absolutely NOT ANYTHING like the old produce! I dare you to find out whether something is half egg plant, and half potato, or two thirds celery, with a hint of spinach!”
Carolyn groaned heavily. “Boy, that is way too much are you sure this isn’t perverted food growing? Isn’t everybody going to get radioactive shards in their gourmet dish?I mean, WHAT WOULD JESUS SAY? If he were here. Or, even if he weren’t?”
“Jesus would say, “shut up and eat!” “
I headed for the very delicious and cheesy eggplant Parmesan dishes, which were very popular now, now that you didn’t have to add garlic, or other spices, because they were grown right in the eggplant itself.
call us insane! Call us CRAZY! But you can still call us FULLY LEGAL, and make sure you CALL US TO DINNER!
like I said above, WHY any farmers in Eugene or this County, would ever tried to grow NATURAL and NORMAL PRODUCE? If you wanted to grow something normal, go to Massachusetts! Or Connecticut!
Eugene Oregon, and Lane and all these little farmers around had nothing to do with NATURAL!Eugene itself had nothing to do with NATURAL and NORMAL.
So it makes sense that, growing stuff and food here, should go to the SUPERNATURAL, and NONNORMAL side of the culture. I mean, who goes to Oregon to be NORMAL? I state my case.
Boris Karloff – broccoli, here we come! 🙂