it was another hot and sultry, damp, sticky, Eugene Oregon July day;my eyes were red, irritated,and itchy,from the smog, but Carol called up, and was coming over. I was sitting there, trying to watch TV (that is another story later on,) she had her saved up plastic bags (it is ILLEGAL here for any stores, both grocery and otherwise, to use plastic bags in Lane County, you have to bring your own, “like Europe!” Or, they will sell you large paper bag for five cents apiece; this County and city of Eugene thinks that it is the United States government and can force you to do anything and you have to do it)and Carol said to me, “ready to go grocery shopping?” I said, “I’m out of food what you think?” And we were off and driving.
however, right away I noticed “hey Carol, this is not the way to the Win-Co supermarket; where are you going? Are you going to discount food outlets first?” I asked. “No, she said happily, “I have heard that the Eugene farmers market, is a good place to buy really good produce. It might really help me diet – better.” “Then I hope you brought your life savings with you in a debit card,” I answered.
“What you mean by that?” Said Carol. I once again replied “you haven’t ever been to that market have you, the one downtown, this kind of in the city center of Eugene?” “No, I haven’t.” “So you don’t know what they sell there?” I asked with trepidation. “They said, lots of healthy fresh fruit and produce,” she said “I got it from good authority”. I started laughing really hysterically, and she looked at me funny. “Your friends are playing a really cute trick on you,” I finally said trying to stop laughing and joking instead. “All the food at the farmers market is – – “
Carol almost wrecked the car, she gasped and put the brake on, and managed to come over to one side of the road. “Oh my gosh, you don’t mean it! Uh, okay, should we go and look at the organic food?” I decided to let her learn from experience “okay, let’s go have a lot of fun” I said, while I secretly said to myself “but you won’t be buying any food”.
when we got downtown, to the farmers market of course it took us more than an hour to find some kind of parking. When I say “some kind of parking,” I meant “some parking garage, or parking lot commercial, or areas with parking meters”. Fortunately, a lot of people didn’t go downtown anymore, so we finally found a parking space after an hour and a half. But we had to buy a gallon of gas first, to stay there. “this is getting expensive already,” said Carol.”hey, watch out for that meth head, you’re going to trip over him!” “OOPS!”
Sure enough, when we got there, the crowd looked pretty much like a celebrity set out of Vogue magazine or Harper’s Bazaar; I had never seen so many designer purses, designer shoes,designer jeans, designer sunglasses, and mainly, designer FOOD, in my entire life outside of Beverly Hills. Carol looked a little suspicious, and said “say, are those Mercedes-Benz over there, and that’s a Prius over in the corner? Are we in the right place? This is supposed to be a farmers market? Are you sure we didn’t park in Tiffany’s jewelry store parking lot?” “in Eugene Oregon,” I replied, “same thing.”
I decided to let Carol get the lay of the land, because she wanted to find zucchini. “Hey, here’s zucchini over here,” I said, and Carol accidentally saw the price per pound, and almost dropped her purse. “I don’t believe that. “She said. “Oh you can believe that,” I said, “why do you think I go to horrible old agribusiness supermarkets to buy my produce? I have to save my money for diamonds.”
Carol hesitantly went around to all the different booths, all the wonderful lettuce,spinach, tomatoes, green beans, melon (? Melon? In Oregon, melon? “Grow – light – Melon”) squash, wonderful fruits of all types. They looked a little different than the supermarket, when the cashier put your produce in a paper bag, he tied up the bag with gold rubber bands; however, if you are a cheapskate, like Carol and me,and were only buying one small apple for five dollars, he just used silver. And, he frowned at us, “are you guys tourists?” “No,” I replied, “in fact, we’re natives, we just can’t afford to live here.”
we prowled all over the farmers market, pinching all the tomatoes, (noticing that Chanel perfume sometimes oozed out) and trying to find out if there were any “boutique farms” that actually sold real food that the NATIVES here could afford to buy. “Maybe we should settle for one tomato each,” said Carol finally standing in the sun and looking around at the whole site.”only,” I replied, poking the alabaster squash, “if you’ve got a platinum credit card?”
People were cheerfully walking around, standing around under Mark Jacobs sun umbrellas, smiling cheerfully, meeting their friends, and comparing their PERS retirement benefits and wonderful things like that.there were even out of state University of Oregon students, from Palm Beach. – slumming.gosh, we were so fortunate!
I noticed that the governor was here, because he was somebody who actually could afford to BUY something.”I really don’t like him,” said Carol, glaring. “I mean, Oregon has the death penalty, and when he gets into office, SUDDENLY Oregon doesn’t have the death penalty!” “well,” I replied reluctantly, “you know how the Oregon government is, and the legislature; if not like we actually LIVE IN the United States!”
Carol nodded, gloomily”I sometimes wonder about that,” she replied pessimistically; “I think Oregon actually is situated in Saudi Arabia, and the Saudis tell us what to do, and we just IMAGINE we’re in the US.” “Pretty much the size of it, I mean,after all,THAT could explain a few things.
“How the Muslim brotherhood is beloved here; how all those women wear those large scarves over their heads (and they’re not even Muslims!); “Sharia” is not in the “foreign religions” department at the University of Oregon, it’s in the HOME ECONOMICS DEPARTMENT.” Carol nodded. “And that explains why, when we have a local election, all the results are tabulated BEFORE the election, not AFTER.”
we looked at each other with questions; “yes, and that could explain a lot of the media here, like the newspapers; you notice that the editor has no idea what a REPUBLICAN or CONSERVATIVE is? He thinks we’re talking about SYNAGOGUE DENOMINATIONS? Like,REFORM or something?” “Yes, and the other day I found out the newspaper editor thinks that “the Communist agenda” is a roundtable discussion on 1960s COMMUNES.”
“I’ll tell you one thing”, I said, looking at my bag full of one Apple,”I was never so flabbergasted, when I found out the local newspaper thinks that ” Fox news” is a regular newsletter, from Britain, keeping track of all the Royal FOX HUNTS!” “I thought that foxhunts were illegal there?” “yes, they are illegal there, fox hunts has become very LEGAL over here.”
the day was wearing on; we were getting hungry, we needed to go where there was actually REAL FOOD. Enough of this strolling around, pricing the emeralds, rubies, diamonds, and uranium! “You know, I think I’d really hate to try and go fishing here again, can you imagine what FISHING WORMS would cost?” “Why would they cost so much?” “Well, the taxes on everything have gone up, here and everything else that has never been taxed, before is now taxed here; so I found out the other day, I can’t afford to buy FISHING WORMS anymore, because they’re getting them out of ORGANIC GARDENS, and you get taxed so much per worm. Ouch.” (“say,” have they gotten the BICYCLE LICENSE TAX initiated yet?” “oh shit, that’s why my kid doesn’t go bicycle riding anymore!”)
On the way over to Win-Co,I decided to tell Carol the rest of the bad news I just heard; “the organic farming community and activist groups, have decided to try and make it ILLlegal for anything to be grown in this county or city, unless it is ORGANIC COMPLETELY. ONLY ORGANIC FARMING.” ” Gee, do we get to vote on that?” I replied,”, yes, we do, and we’ve already voted in ONLY ORGANIC FARMING in the Willamette Valley!” We both laughed hysterically, and I decided that I did like Mexican grapes after all.”who’s going to break it to all those other farmers, who don’t do organic farming?” Carol asked, hesitantly. “Oh, you mean those people who USED TO live here,?” I giggled, and we both started laughing hysterically out-of-control again and almost went off the road.
“I know another famous person, who would be so fond of Oregon now,” I chuckled, as we drove into the Eugene Win-Co parking lot; “you feel right at home.” “Oh, I can’t possibly imagine. Leon Trotsky?” “No you’re off by a mile, LENIN.” we laughed again uproariously, getting out, and looking for a shopping cart; “MAO-TZE-TUNG!!!” HAW HAW HAW!
“No, I can one up you; STALIN!” HA HAW HAW! “no, I’m sure it would be LENIN, because of his AGRICULTURAL THEORIES!” HAW HAW HA! “Oh, you mean that funny little cold country that we have to send all that UNITED STATES GRAIN to, every year?” “you got it!”HA HA HA!!
“I have a better idea,” I giggled, as we looked over in the produce section, “let’s give them billions of dollars, and don’t tell them, they have to buy OUR ORGANIC PRODUCE with it!” “Wouldn’t that be a miserable trick? Instead of paying our senior citizens coupons to get them to buy the stuff? Or, force everybody who goes on food stamps,– – get this– – to only buy ORGANIC FOOD!” ha ha ha ha ha ha!” Oh what a mean trick you are bad! What you want to put everybody on a starvation diet for God sakes,?!” Ha ha ha ha. “Hey, it would work better than Weight Watchers!”
By the time we got our “nasty horrible disgusting agribusiness food”with our carts, up to the checkout desk, we were feeling really good; the clerk looked at us and smiled and said “why you guys feeling so good today? You broke the bank or something or Robbed it?you play mean practical jokes?”
We both looked at him, snickering; “no, we did something much more ridiculous than that; we just went to the Eugene “organic FARMERS MARKET! Before we came here!” He started giggling too, “hey, how many gold potatoes did you buy? Ha ha ha”, and we really brightened up his day,, and the rest of the poor people in line, buying instant mashed potatoes in boxes.we left everybody smiling. 🙂
Eugene, Oregon may be insane, it may be SAUDIA ARABIA, MAINLAND-CHINA, or The Land of AWWWWWS, or maybe not even IN THE UNITED STATES, but it’ll make you DIE LAUGHING; especially if you buy the organic stuff. You’ll just DIE!! HEEE HEEE But don’t make the mistake of taking it seriously. Its the Las Vegas of the Pacific Northwest.(chortle) Including the clowns! 😉