“THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE AREN’T FREE!!IN EUGENE,OREGON”

MAY about 22nd, local elections are over:

the people have LOST. http:// 

the taxes have WON. http:/

and in Eugene Oregon, once again,all we homeowners have to go back to eating dog food cans, cat food cans, to pay off the new jail fees, and the new school taxes. http://

Too bad that all the little nasty kids, we are forced to pay for, don’t eat the dog food instead of us. I’m getting sick of dog and cat food, maybe I should EAT the mayor instead.

Put her on a nice spit, cut out her eyeballs, tear out all the toenails on her feet, and let Pythons nibble off her eyelids. That’s good for a start. http://

then,we could cut off the palms of both of her hands, and make sure to cut her feet off at the ankle without anesthetic. And throw them in a pot of water to make feet soup. And we make her drink it.  http://

Naturally all this gourmet cooking is going on while she’s still alive. Otherwise it wouldn’t work!you know how old-fashioned, traditional, native recipes go, if you don’t do them exactly right, the meat doesn’t fall off the bone, into the sauce correctly. http:// 

Of course she’s an old bird, so I’ll have to liberally pour flaming cognac on her when we serve it.she’s plenty liberal.

Of course were going to have hors d’oeuvres, and I was thinking the fingers of Lane County commissioners would do very well, along with some cilantro and their kids tongues and undeveloped sexual organs. As for their wives, you need to broil them very well, to get all the fingernail polish off.  http:// http://

Have I left anybody out, or any dish? I think not. With this richness and gourmet ingredients, we really won’t need dessert. http://

This whole meal will be JUST DESSERTS.http://

I am dreaming of this menu, and planning it out in real life, and trying to figure out just how much money I have to pay, to have the ingredients kidnapped, trussed, and held captive alive in a furtive warehouse, overnight. http:// http:/

I want the ingredients to be fully alive, aware and lobster like, so they know exactly what’s going on right down to the last sliver of flame, for the extra barbecue.

I love barbecues don’t you?  http://

My neighbors next door, and I knew we were going to be very short of food, when all the new taxes and fees past, and instead of cans of dog food all the time, probably what we should do is “look to the government to solve our problems”. That’s how we made up this little menu, and anything that we don’t eat, will be packed up and given to “food for Lane County”. http://

I talked to my immediate next-door neighbor, and said, “don’t you think we should include the editors of the Eugene register guard newspaper, in this also?” And she said, “YOU BET! They definitely need the reward! Why should we let them out of it?” http:// 

So we decide that a couple of those editors would provide “finger food” thus getting rid of their future typing and writing problems, to leave for the regular reporting staff to do.after all, they are the BRAINS of the paper. http:/

“Speaking of BRAINS, maybe we should have a dessert after all? What you think of, a dessert salad? I have heard of “brains on lettuce” and fruit, compote, with a little yogurt for dressing.” “Sounds good to me and healthy also. Aren’t they supposed to be pretty smart people? It’ll be nice to get into all those intellectuals.”http://

 “yes,” I answered, “they all know better than us, just like our government does, so they should take the credit for all of this happening. Somebody has to inspire new menus and digging out old wonderful recipes people don’t use anymore.”  http:// http://

I got into my liquor cabinet, wondering if brains could be flambaed with a stronger liquor, like that green stuff they make still, in St. Louis, and the “drowned city” back South.

You know, the GREEN LIQUOR, that’s so good it destroys your liver pretty fast.it’s also good for refinishing furniture, and stripping cabinets. I know my ex carpenter husband, used it a lot, and then just drank the left over. http:/

As time was wasting, we got our planning done,and my neighbor was organizing,while I was calling up my usual kidnapper, who lives downtown on Willamette st. in a cardboard box and was always shooting up, and snorting meth.  http:// http://

I hoped he was using the same phone number for his disposable cell phone, and he wasn’t wasting his time trying to kidnap Californian peoples kids, who moved here, because he thought they “have so much money! They come from California, they must have TONS OF CASH!” http:// http:/

I tried to explain to him,most of them were “fake rich people”, which meant that they were CREDIT CARD rich, but didn’t actually have any cash.they made all their money, being California civil servants, and when they lammed out of California, there was so little money left, only the highest public servants could steal it all, and the little guys down at the bottom just had charge cards. http:/

anyhow, I finally got a hold of him, just that he was robbing somebody in broad daylight, downtown, trying to get extra money for more meth, and extra money for all the paper bags you have to buy now, in the supermarket when you shop. http:// http:/475

He agreed, to our terms, which weren’t very much, because he’s so cheap anyhow, the only cheap thing in Eugene.rather, the only REASONABLY PRICED thing in Eugene.seeing as how you have to pay a fee or tax for everything you do or buy, in Eugene now.

he usually charges people 25% to mug them, but a lot more for formal kidnapping jobs. I suspected he would charge the Mayor, the commissioners, and the Eugene city Council, and their family members, a lot more for his having to kidnap them.  http://    http://   http://

Maybe it would start to look like RANSOMing; that was illegal to the federal government, but here in this government? http:// 

You can get away with murder, literally, and kidnapping is practically nothing.they just slap your hand, throw you out of the jail, and then put another tax and fee on the jail so they can go back out and recapture you again.you have to admit, this local government really knows how to make money. http:// 

That’s just about the ONLY THING they know how to do. They can get Jesus Christ’s blood out of  a stone, and ignore all those screams while they’re doing it.so I would say, considering our little dinner bash, on them, it was tit for tat. Sooner or later, poor as we were, we voters had to get SOMETHING out of all those taxes we pay. http:/

And if it was their blood, just make sure it’s really good Cabernet red. http:// http:/

the next evening, as we were getting all set up for all the cooking, my friend from the cardboard box showed up, and accounted for all the separate, live, “ingredients” on the menu. http://

“I was very careful not to mortally wound anyone, all they have are broken bones. But I know you’re cooking anyhow, I didn’t think a couple of busted bones would do any harm.” He said.  http://  http://  http://

“No, that’s not a problem with some recipes it would be, but we’re also going to use the bone morrow, because it’s so rich and nutritious. And we’re going to have to break a few bones, to have a little morrow, so what’s a little bones broken? I know you tied them up really well, and gagged them pretty well, like you usually do, little danger of screams getting out.”I replied.  http://

He hesitated, and looked slightly guilty, if you could see an expression underneath the dirt. “I had to kind of, pick up an extra morsel, because some guys from the sheriff department, had to be included; when I picked up the Mayor, they were just coming from her house, and when I bagged her, they put up such a ruckus, I used tear gas on them, to calm them down. http:// 

“So if you see extra groceries in there, that’s why. Just consider it an extra, you don’t have to pay for.”

I thanked him, for the little extra, not saying anything about how much softening ingredient I would have had to use on the cops, knowing just how wrinkled, hard, and generally stony cops are,especially for such a quick menu. They should have spent at least a week, in brine, in the refrigerator, getting some flavor.  http://

Maybe we would have to donate them, finally to, green Hill pet shelter, and they could use them to feed their animals.kind of, the opposite of horsemeat.the next time I watched “cops”,on TV, I would consider it rather a cooking show. http://

my next-door neighbor and I, were very cheerfully, getting out all the “ingredients”, using tazers, and electric cattle prods, to arrange all the ingredients on the appropriate cooking ranges. http://

The mayor was getting accommodated to her spit, over a roaring fire, and the other “ingredients” were slightly sedated, by a conk on the head with my iron frying pan.

Our other neighbors were arriving cheerfully, armed with similar instruments of “discipline”, and we all got cooking, happily, very satisfied with my cardboard box friends’ grocery shopping.  http:// http://

in fact, I asked him to stay to dinner, and he said, okay, because he hadn’t seen such a rich and well paid bunch of gourmet food, in a long time; it was starting to smell appetizing.  http://

as we were standing around, waiting for some of the thicker meat, to get a little more roasted, and basting it regularly, we all had a glass of very red Cabernet, and I had to admit it was unusually good. http://

“what kind of Cabernet is this?” I asked my neighbor, who had gotten the bottle out. “I know, isn’t it wonderful? Something I brewed up myself, from the very richness of local government fruitiness, spiked with authority, leadership, and the taste of power and almost, MONEY.” http:/

I agreed with her, yes, it did taste like money, just like the rare blood you squeeze out of a rock, or out of a Eugene resident, and Lane, County taxpayer. But somehow this was different,it had even MORE RICHNESS, and MORE authority and power!http://

she had been very busy, carefully getting her money’s worth, extracting the juice of governmental ability, and liberal excess resources. Of course our “ingredients” didn’t mind, they had pretty easily accessible veins in their arms. Nobody was difficult to stick a needle in.those tazers are wonderful instruments, in the right hands.  http:// http://

I was feeling a little heady, and lightheaded, and uplifted; we finally lit into our meal, savoring the rich, well cooked and superbly spiced flesh. Everybody complemented us on our cooking, but all we can say in reply was “we had such rich and advantaged, spoiled, pampered, and expensively-raised “ingredients”, there was no way it could turn out any other manner but extreme gourmet.” http://

next May,right after election day, we’ll probably have our banquet again. Providing that they keep replenishing plenty of expensive “ingredients” in the local government system.

How could they not? That’s where all the money in the city and county went, not into any services or schools or jails. It went right into the MEAT of the County and city government. – Right into all our leaders and wonderful officials. We had to get our money’s worth somehow. http:// http:/

Just remember, the most delicious part is the palms of the hands. At least, that’s what they say in New Guinea.  http:// http://

(sandraminadotty, at our yearly May barbecue and banquet, in Eugene Oregon,where all we eat is Sweet.  🙂  )…http://  http:// http:/

 

THANKS TO ERNIE!!