IT’S ANOTHER DAY, AND HERE i AM, sitting around, IN eUGENE oREGON, WONDERING WHERE ALL THE MEN WENT.???
It’s a simple question, it deserves a simple answer. After all, I am a female, I like to think that this small town has still got some men left with some BALLS.http://
you don’t think this is an urgent question, and to you start looking at the way the County and the city of Eugene is run (that is, run into the ground) and WHERE ALL THE MONEY IN THE GOVERNMENT WENT!?
WHERE DID it go?here we are in Eugene, this poor little drug ridden and no account town, that used to have something, and now has nothing but HIPPIES.
as for all those homeless people, they might be a little more edible, depending on how long they’ve been homeless and out in the elements developing thick skins.
I saw a very interesting recipe in the Eugene register guard, in the LADIES SECTION, called “stew made out of homeless road kill”.it was next to the recipe for stuffed caviar, and goldleaf petits fours.
it was just at this point that I was calling up a lot of guys who live here, in the community, who did all kinds of charitable work, were in politics, used to be commissioners, or were commissioners, or just sat around looking puffed up with importance.
“hey, guys I was just wondering,do you all know WHERE THE TAXES LOCALLY IN THE GOVERNMENT WENT?” There was always a silence after my question, in every call. They either knew where all the money went and didn’t want to say, or they didn’t know where the money went and they didn’t want to do anything about it.
all the guys had lost their BALLS. They had all withered and fallen off, and nobody had any, in the entire town. It was as bad as swine flu, “mad cow disease,” or that rumored epidemic going underground all over the nation, called AIDS.
.I didn’t actually believe there was any such thing as AIDS; how could there be an epidemic in a whole nation, and even the white people, the upper class, all the white women, and even the families were catching it? It sounded like a bunch of PHOOEY.it was a conservative right-wing plot.
but back to the crisis in Eugene Oregon, that had withered away every mature and immature, and insecure pair of balls on every man, and semi-man, in the whole town!
I knew there was some way I had to find out what it was, and how many people, I mean men, sometimes they are people, had been affected.
the next day,I had gotten an appointment with the head of the health department of the city and the county, of Eugene, and Lane Co. His name was Mr. macelhony,(who was a direct cousin of the mayor, although her last name was “masturbatory”. But she went by the name of KITTY.) http://
I pretended to be a reporter for the RG; the Eugene weekly was too classy to hire somebody like me, but the RG didn’t mind, even if they found out. Their best reporters were a little more pitiful than I was. So even if I got found out, I would be considered an improvement.
the director got right down to business;”Sir,” I began, “the public has a right to know just what this disease crisis is, that has made all the men in Eugene and this County, about as fertile as steers, and just about as responsible and intelligent. What kind of horrible disease is going on here, and how many of the “men” have been affected?”
“the disease you’re talking about,” he began, “is something that has been creeping slowly into the environment, along with the freeways, the smog, the huge crowds immigrating from California, and back East, and it also might have something to do with the extreme explosion of boutique breweries that have popped up in Oregon recently.”
“that’s horrible,” I exclaimed, scribbling down my notes.” Is that why we have no leadership anymore, in this government in town, and all the men have shrunk down to the size of mice in Russia?
“And instead of actually doing something about their corrupt and filthy government, they hang out in computer coffee houses, sending angry and bitchy e-mails the newspapers, instead of actually doing something?
“and they get really liberal, and sanctimonious, and get involved in politics?so that’s why these guys have turned into turnips who have been castrated too many times by the gardener?” the director nodded at me solemnly.
“that’s it, exactly” he answered.” It’s a horrible creeping disease, and it enters their bloodstream from too much beer and bad fast food, and the pollution from the smog,from the immense amount of traffic jams here.one of the symptoms is, they crave lots of very cheap bad pizza.<img src=”http://www.smileydesign.net/smileys/love09.gif” alt=”Smiley pixeled by Smileydesign” />
“so that explains it,” I said, grimly. “That accounts for the change in the local government from worse, to much much much much much much WORSE. Where none of the money from taxes is accounted for, there’s no jail, rapists and murderers flit happily down Willamette Street, and none of the men in this town CARE, or do anything about it!”
“Yes,” the director continued; “they barely notice it at first; they think it’s a rash. Then, they think it’s a worse skin condition because they’ve been around fast women too much. Then when they go to the doctor, it can’t get diagnosed, and eventually it disintegrates, falls off, and the guys have to buy sports protective gear, in their place to fool everyone.except, of course, any women..”
“but it sounds like the worst symptom of all,” I said, “is that they get very involved verbally in politics, and bitch and scream, but the sum is, they let the government do whatever it wants, and they don’t do anything about it. I mean, they don’t even throw up beer on them! At least they used to do that. That’s how you could always tell, they were REAL MEN in this town. Lots of beer!
“And it used to be really good cheap commercial beer, not this gay, fancy overpriced BOUTIQUE BEER.,.!” “Also, unfortunately one of the worst symptoms is, a tendency to shop heavily at Trader Joe’s, and buy lots of guacamole mixes.oh, and ORGANIC FOOD; they switch over to organic food, and even try to go VEGAN.”
We both shook our heads at the same time and groaned.so that was why, every guy in town, wore those bristly, gay, prickly, unshaved faces, that were beards, and were not anything else. They were just UNSHAVED. And very BRISTLY. It was their way of covering up! It was their way of COMPENSATING for the loss of their balls!http://
“director”, I continued,”just how many men in this town has been hit by this plague? What are the numbers? What are the percentages? How come their wives havn’t noticed? That’s really the big question.”
“Oh,” said the director once again grim, “they’ve noticed all right. They really have. But they don’t know what to do about it, I’ve talked to some of them. Some of the think it is a good time to go lesbian themselves, but I’m trying to talk them out of it. There’s an overpopulation of lesbian couples in this town, and I don’t think the marriage license department could keep up with it.there already greatly stressed”.– “but back to the percentages and how many have been affected:”
I paused, and held my breath; what were the numbers? How many balls had disintegrated into the ash of the atmosphere, along with all the ashes from Mount Saint Helens?just how many guys were now able to sing soprano in church, very easily?
they were not men enough to keep the town jail open; they were very WILLING to pay extra fees, extra taxes, extra property taxes, and extra money to the local government, for everything, and watch it all twiddle away into private bank accounts of politicos.
they got on their little computers, and got angry and mad, and they went to their little community meetings, and got angry and mad, and they puff themselves up very important, and got very angry and mad, but they never actually DID ANYTHING about the problem.
I was beginning to think maybe they were turning into TEA PARTY MEMBERS.– except they wanted to pay more taxes, pay more fees, pay more money to the mayor and her government, and pay and pay and pay and pay and willingly pay themselves broke!
“it’s fantastic,” I said to the director sadly, “this used to be a town of native Oregonians who were proud, independent, Hardy, hard-working, and they stood up for themselves and didn’t let anybody walk all over them! I mean, they used to be MEN!” The director put up a couple of x-rays, showing a few of the cases that had disintegrated beyond hope, and even couldn’t comfortably excrete large amounts of beer anymore.
“Sir,” I said, “I begin to see the reason that a mere slip of a Mayor, a petite little kitty,is able to lead them all around by the nose, and can get any amount of money she wants out of them. I mean, they’re castrated!”
the director nodded unhappily. He finally told me the exact percentage in numbers, of all the cases in Eugene and the County; I was absolutely floored. I probably knew a lot of these guys, and I never suspected, that they were politically IMPOTENT.!
I mean,they wrote for newspapers, they wrote against newspapers, they were angry taxpaying citizens, and yet they just didn’t have any balls left, to actually do anything about it. They had a very crooked and corrupt local government that stole all their money, but the big thing they had really lost, was there balls.
I left the director’s office sadly, thinking in terms of doom and gloom.if all the men, in Eugene, and Lane County, no longer had any balls, and anybody could walk all over them, and make them do anything (especially their local government) it was no good trying to get a date in this town either.
the town budget was in a shambles, the jail was nonexistent, and the town was dangerous and inhabited by murderers and burglars,and fiends.and there was no way these poor,ball-less “men”would ever take back their own local government, and fix this stupid dumpkoff!!.
I shuddered, as I looked closely at the taxi driver I took to get home; he looked normal. He seemed normal. Of course, he had a six pack of beer next to him stuffed under the seat in the front. Come to think of it, I wondered how he – – got rid of it? A-Hem. The x-rays of those particular health department cases, has shown that EVERYTHING had fallen off.
come to think of it, TV advertisements were always advertising now, those catheters; tons and tons of catheter advertisements, even portable ones, when you went out of the house. Superb new revolutionary CATHETERS you could take anywhere, and no one would see them!
my girlfriend called me up that evening, with the usual chatting, and also wanted to know if I wanted to go with her to the Friday night dance at the local saloon, to meet some guys.I was still in shock, from seeing the numbers the director of health had given me.
“no, Millie, I don’t think so,” I replied. “I don’t think the pickings of men in Eugene are all that great anymore. I think maybe I’m going to immigrate to Alaska, and even the Okefenokee swamp; maybe Antarctica, or maybe the Sudan. Or even EGYPT.”
She looked at me puzzled. “What’s up with you,” she mumbled, quizzically,” you never used to look down your nose, at the guys in Eugene before. They even have professors and old graduate students running around.what’s wrong with that? You got a better resource?”
“It’s not the NOSE that they have trouble with,” I replied. “And it doesn’t really matter if their professors, or Dean’s, or old graduate students, or dentists, or orthopedists;they all are sorry victims, of a terrible calamity that has struck our poor town. I do feel sorry for all of them, and apparently there’s no cure for this disease.”
“It is WE who have to force the council and the mayor, to shell out all that money they’ve stolen out of the budget, and twittered away, in cute little frivolous projects! It is WE WOMEN who have to become the MEN in Eugene, and take over, and rule with justice, faith, tranquility, freedom, and above all, real BALLS!
“I wonder if the men in TEXAS still have any left?” Sigh.
(signing off, in gloom and doom, sexual gloom and doom,Sandraminadotty, in the most infertile of little towns, Eugene Oregon, USA) >:) http://